How To Read Your Wife’s Face, Starring Connie Britton

1. And the toddler just kneed you in the balls!
2. Um, never wear those jeans.
3. We’re just watching The Daily Show.
4. No, I really did want a laptop case for our anniversary.
5. I only have to listen to you tell that story 437 more times over the next three decades!
6. The Lubriderm is on my nightstand, if you need it.
7. I feel fat.
8. Yay! You got the cork out! Wooo-hooooooooo!
9. Shut the fuck up!